Bad Fishing Jokes

Send us your fishing joke, and we will post it here.

Two morons were ice fishing and not having much luck. Pretty soon a guy went by on a snow mobile and he had a whole bucket of fish on the back. One moron says to the other one "That's why were not catching anything ,we're not trolling!"

Lureman

Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women

Boats only need their fluids changed every year.
Boats curves never sag.
Boats last longer.
Boats don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Boat any time of the month.
Boats don't have parents.
Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Boat with your friends.
If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.
If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.
Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.
If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Boat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.
You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.
If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.
Boats always feel like going for a ride.
Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.
Boats don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.
If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well.

And my personal favorite...... Boats don't mind if you ride them hard all day while drinking beer wirh your buddies, and then fall asleep on top of them.........boats understand their place in life !

From UeBklyn

How does the Captain of his vessel load his dishwasher?
He gives his wifey a few beers.

..Bob

What did the fish say when it hit a wall ? DAM

JBABYBOOMER

An Italian fellow took his mother fishing on a party boat for Fluke one day, after drifting for hours without even a nibble his mother hooks into a doormat Fluke, everyone on the boat was excited cheering the old women on telling her to take her time don't lose it etc. finally she lifted it into the boat picked up the fish removed the hook looked at it up and down and then tossed it back into the water, stunned her son said mama why did you throw that fish back into the water? She looked at him and said I don't know to me it just didn't look fresh

TStagnitta

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while." The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs." The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years." "But what then?" asked the Mexican. The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions." "Millions?...Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Paul Wolff

GOD TALKING WITH NOAH! Noah did yoy take the Ark out today? Yes God, I did. Noah how did you do fishing? I could only fish a short time. Why was that Noah? Because I only had TWO worms!

Bob Vickers

The difference between a fairy tale and a fish story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bullshit..."

jhexter

The Wisconsin D.N.R. decided to create the ultimate fish. They wanted the size of a coho salmon, the taste of a walleye and the fight of a muski. Years of work in the lab resulted in just such a fish... called a co-wall-ski. only one problem, it couldn't swim.

Pitts4

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."

Steven Wright (submitted by Charles Stuart)

How do you tell if water is fresh.
Yell at it. If it talks back, it's fresh.

from Basspro76

Two brothers are out for the day in their tin boat. The first one hooks into a big one, fights it for a half hour or so and when the fish finally tires he brings it to the boat. it is the drop-dead oddest fish they have ever seen. before they can drop it into the cooler the fish says, "I'm an enchanted fish and if you'll let me go I'll grant your any wish."

Well the boys are a bit skeptical but they decide he's too ugly to eat so they drop the fish over the gunnel. looking up from the lake, the fish says "ok, what will it be???"

Before having time to think the first brother says, "all right, turn the lake into budweiser!"

Before you know it POOF! The lake turns into a foaming vat of beer.

"Now why did you go and do a damn fool thing like that" the other brother says, "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!!!!"

from Capt. Bob

Why fishing is better than making love:

* When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good.
If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

* In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
In loving you lie about the one you caught.

* You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie, and promise to
still be friends after you let it go.

* You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.

* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

from Mike K.

Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.
The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.
After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.
After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.
The first priest turned to the second priest and asked,
"Should we have told him where the rocks were? "

from B. Blaze

Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish.
The first blonde said "This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back."
The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.
The first blonde asked "What are you doing?"
The second blonde replied "Marking the spot."
The first blonde countered "But what if we don't get the same boat?"

from Mike B.

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a change to fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in and hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later her returns.

His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear."

He says "Oh yes it was great. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

from Linda C.

Two Irishmen walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms.
Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask " how did you catch those ?"
Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing!
So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.
They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now Paddy".
Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!
Paddy asks " do you have a fish Sean?"............
No replies Sean, there a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!

from Charles Stuart

The Three Fishermen and the Mermaid

Three fishers were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisher said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting shakespeare.

Then the second fisher said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

The third fisher was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisher said "yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman.

from Lorrie Shaw

10 Reasons why Boats are better than Women
1) You can look at other boats without worrying about getting caught.
2) You can own more than one boat at a time.
3) The more guys on your boat the better.
4) You are allowed to drive someone else's boat.
5) When your boat gets old and run down, you can buy a new boat.
6) If your boat is too big, you can trade it for a sleeker model.
7) You don't have to wonder who was driving your boat before you.
8) Tying two or more boats together is not seen as kinky.
9) You can leave your boat alone for two weeks and not hear a single word about being "neglected."
10) Priming the engine only takes three squeezes.

from John Jeney

Joke 1:

Old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "while I get my hat!!"

Joke 2:

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

from Anonymous

The Blonde who went Ice-Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE! She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"

from Terry Shaw

I run a charter boat along with my friend and the name of the boat is the "BUCCANEER". Not realizing what kind of abuse we would receive we heavily advertised.....our name was everywhere.

Once people got to know us we where constantly receiving remarks such as - "Buccaneer" what to you guys sell PIRATE CORN - Or what do you get for corn " A BUCC AN EER" So a little humor! It help make the day go by!

from Tim Malley
Buccaneer Charters LLC.

The way to communicate with the fish is to drop them a line.

To argue on a fishing boat is to have de bait.

That's all folks.

from VGiese

---

"Oh Those Blondes"

from ARTFISH

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding
fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.


"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde,"we aren't fishing. We all have
magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the
bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there
were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes
started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"